Rules
I am going to give you my personal rules first and then I will explain them.
1. Don’t try to make sense out of crazy or you will go crazy
2. You must accept the fact that the person you were in love with is dead and gone forever. What you are dealing with now is an entirely new human entity and for some of us, a true enemy.
(Note: This is why you keep breaking rule #1. Once you accept rule #2, you will stop breaking rule #1.)
3. Keep your Karma clean.
4. You must participate in your own rescue.
5. Fear lies. (remember feelings aren’t Facts)
6. Life doesn’t give you what you want; it gives you what you believe.
7. Find the meaning in your Life.
8. The Top 10 for your future relationship
9. Make an Exhaustive List
10. "If you’re going through Hell……...keep going."
11. Get a damn lawyer!
12. You Live a Life, you don't Live a Relationship
13. The Happy List, You need to stay busy and creative
14. Remember Always...you shouldn't have to work so hard to be Loved.
Before we start I want to make sure that I'm very clear about something, especially when you get to rule #2. It has been my experience that the great majority of people who seek divorce support groups have been abused mentally and/or physically by a narcissist. And what exactly is a narcissist you ask? Just a real-life vampire that has taken on the disguise an extremely self-centered person with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Each one has a Masters in Manipulation and instead of drawing blood, there energy source is your pain.
So if you are just genuinely broken hearted and you and your ex are going through an amicable breakup, then you won't really understand rule number #2.
However, everybody else will.
Rule #1
Rule #1: Don't try to make sense out of crazy or you will go crazy
I'll never forget the impact on me from attending my first divorce support group meeting. We sat in a circle with about 15 people, and I remember it was this beautiful Hispanic woman sitting to my left that went 1st. She started off by saying, “Hello, my name is Suzette and I've been going through this for 20 years…..”
My eyes immediately shot down to the floor as I thought to myself, “Ohmygod! I'm going to be going through this for 20 years!!!?!?!???
I didn’t. Neither are the great majority of you reading this today. However if you find that two years go by and you don't find yourself feeling any different, then contact me. I will give you the synopsis on a short story I wrote called, "The Woodshed People." The moral of the story is imbedded here within this website under "Abandonment".
Anyway, I quickly learned there are two types of people: people who get over divorce and heartbreak, and people who do not. As a matter of fact, I learned that the people who do not get over divorce and heartbreak have something in common. All of them start their sentences one of two ways EVERY SINGLE TIME they discuss their heartbreak.
It's either, A) “I just can’t figure out ….” or B) “I just don’t understand ….”
Examples:
“I just can't figure out how you could be married to someone for 25 years and have a family and share so many loving memories just to have them look at you one day and say, “I don't love you anymore,” as they shut the door and say goodbye forever.”
And example number 2 which was once stated by a dear friend.
“I just don't understand how he could hold his 1st born son in his hands and say, “I never want anything to happen to hurt this child,” yet he would be the one to admit to cheating with more than 10 different women and even use family funds to move a girlfriend from Chicago to Texas and pay for her apartment.
"The bottom line is simple. You cannot make sense out of either example because it's crazy. It's crazy, the idea of loving someone for 25 years, only to wake up without warning to divorce papers. And it's equally crazy to love your family while simultaneously cheating with 10 different women. You will never be able to make sense of something that is fundamentally nonsensical. So please, stop trying. Trying to understand is no different then wading out waist-deep in the ocean and screaming at the waves to stop crashing against you. It is a loser’s game."
Rule #2
Rule #2: You must accept the fact that the person you were in love with is dead and gone forever.
What you are dealing with now is an entirely new human entity and, for some of us, a true enemy. (Note: this is why you keep breaking rule #1. Once you accept rule #2, you will stop breaking rule #1.)
(This rule is comparable to a fable or analogy)
It was a woman named Lucy that helped me craft rule #2. Again, I am going back to when I was going through my divorce and Lucy was a member of that support group. Lucy said she understood that her and her husband were getting a divorce, and that she had made peace with it. He chose this path. She was very cool and calm about the words she was choosing as she retold her story. She said though at the end, “What I can't understand is that he pointed his finger at my chin just inches away from my face and said, “I F%&$ING WANT YOU TO DIE!!!”
I remember thinking to myself that these comments couldn't have been all-of-a-sudden or were they? A relationship doesn’t go to this extreme instantly. I would assume their relationship had to have been deteriorating over a number of years well before that moment…right??
Oh yes it does happen, and I have heard versions of Lucy’s story many times. It is very difficult for those people too. I remember a schoolteacher who once told us she got a text from her husband that said, “I am leaving you. When you get home, I will be gone.” She told us that she thought it was a joke, only to return home to find her house sacked like it had been robbed and no sign of her husband.
Back to Lucy. I remember thinking, why would she say, she doesn't understand how he could say those terrible words to her face? Then it hit me. Oh! That’s not her husband.
I remember many people saying, “Its like an evil spirit has taken of their body!” I can certainly understand how someone would look at it in that way.
Lucy was in love with an illusion. She was remembering him as he was many years ago WAY back to when he first was courting her with a magic loving presence that didn’t exist anymore or worse, he was hiding his true colors. (see covert narcissist)
Trying to understand or reconcile with this individual would be like dialing any random number on your phone and trying to get that person whom you don’t know to give you all of their money. It’s not going to happen. I am sorry. It’s over.
Rule #3
Rule #3: Keep your Karma clean.
If you ever get a chance to do to them what they did to you, I hope you choose to be the bigger person and walk away.
This rule is meant as stated and is not limited to your current situation. I used to say that I respect Karma. Now I fear it. I experienced mind-blowing examples during my divorce. You must pay it back, so be careful what you sow. Karma is covered by every single religion.
It is a Universal Truth.
I am going to give you an example from group.
Vince’s marriage wasn’t perfect by any means and he will admit to that. One day his wife had a car wreck with the children in tow. He raced off from work to see if they were ok. Everyone was ok but just injured enough that were whisked away and taken to a hospital. Vince watched the ambulances drive off and headed back to his car to follow them. As he walked past the wreckage, he came upon an open notebook fluttering in the wind on the ground. Upon examination, recognizing his wife’s handwriting, he picked it up to find his wife’s step-by-step game plan for leaving him and winning custody. He had no idea she was divorcing him. Vince went straight to his attorney and filed first. This would eventually enable him to at least split custody with her 50-50.
Karma is as simple as the Golden Rule of treating others as you wish to be treated because in the end, we all get what we give. Life is an Echo.
Rule #4
Rule #4: You must participate in your own rescue.
What I am talking about starts with you and the act of even reading these words today. Or the fact that you found my website. Fight for your survival.
Go to support group meetings, therapy if you can afford it, and if you can’t, then read a damn book! Fight! I will try to provide websites, YouTube videos, TED TALKS, books, and movie suggestions to try and help you.
Teachers open the door, but you must go through on your own -Ancient Chinese Proverb
Rule #5
Rule #5: Fear lies. (remember feelings aren’t Facts)
Always remember that feelings aren’t facts. I hear things from members like the following: “What kind of man is ever going to want a woman with 3 kids?” or “Why would a woman want a guy that’s been married twice before?” How about, “I am old. I won’t find anyone. I am going to die alone.” “No one would ever want me. I am ugly.”
Feelings like these and saying them to yourself is what I refer to as your Shitty Committee. If you’re going to continue to talk to yourself in this manner, I would get a rubber band and put it on your wrist right now! Pop the crap out of yourself every time you catch negative thoughts or speak negative self-talk to yourself. A member used to tell me that when she found herself being negative, she would clap both hands together as hard as she could about an inch from her nose and yell, “STOP!”
Dr. Guy Winch, who I will refer to several times on this website, is who I suspect is the leading authority on heartbreak. He had powerful rule. He says, “If you wouldn’t say those horrible things to a dear friend, then don’t say them to yourself!”
Can you imagine telling your best friend, “I guess you’re just meant to be alone. No one would ever love you. You’re a loser.” (???)
It is my opinion that correcting your internal dialogue or mental chatter is the Key to Happiness. It really doesn’t matter about my Rules, this website, or finding your true love. If you do not correct your internal dialogue, it won’t matter. You bring about what you think about. Don’t speak negativity into your world.
Rule #6
Rule #6: Life doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you what you believe.
For Rule #6, you must refer back to rule #5 again.
I am referring to your internal dialogue. To be blunt, if you think all men are jerks, then I suggest you never date again. If you think all women do is lie…then there will be no healthy relationships in your future. Close the web browser now and move on from this site.
You are your own Heaven and your own Hell. *
What do you deserve? How do you feel about yourself? As a matter of fact, who taught you how to love yourself?
We are taught how to brush our teeth, tie our shoes, and as you get older someone might teach you about quantum physics, but no one teaches us How to love ourselves?
Someone once said to me, “Do you remember how you felt the first time you held one of your babies for the very first time?”
In my own case, we had 3. And I remember. I have told many people that you only “think” you have loved as hard or as much as you can in this lifetime until you have a child. No one told me that there was this whole other level of love well beyond that of which I had already experienced in this lifetime. There was more. WAY MORE.
That feeling…..THAT is how you are supposed to love yourself.
On a side note, when I first heard this I thought, “FFFFUUUUUDDDDGGGEEE…I will never get there. (Shitty Committee) I am making slow progress and I will come back to this website and let you know when I get there so make sure you all make it another 50 years! Lol.
Rule #7
Rule #7: Find Meaning in your Life.
Dr. Frederick Neitzche; He who has a Why to live can survive almost any How
Dr. Andrew Solomon: We cannot bear a pointless torment but we can endure great pain if we believe its meaning to be purposeful.
Why are you here on this Earth? Dr. Victor Frankel wrote a book: Man’s Search for Meaning. In a concentration camp during the Holocaust, well below 30 degrees at night with no warmth, people all around in horrible living conditions with typhoid coughing in the blackness of 2 am, he was giving speeches about how they HAD to hold on. They had to find the strength to somehow survive. That they had loved ones awaiting their return from war back home….fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, wives, etc. Some of them approached him after the war and said those speeches he gave at night were the only reason they survived. (Note - this is just a taste of the book. I recommend reading it as part of Rule #4.)
It appears to me that in many cases, it is easier for people that have children to survive divorce and heartbreak. The facts are you can lay down and “try” to give up and die but those kids need to get fed. They have to go to school. The batteries in their video game controllers just went out and there are no more in the house!!?? You love them. You won’t let them down.
That being said, it’s harder for people who don’t have children and especially, those who live alone. So my recipe would be that you have to find the reason you’re here. What is the meaning in your life? I guess for those who don’t know, your greatest adventure begins now.
Where to begin? Let’s pretend we live in a world where you can purchase a crystal ball to tell you your future. You’re going to ask the crystal ball that question. The crystal ball answers the question showing you not only your Life’s Purpose but that you actually succeed in going down this new path. (read that again)
You freeze in stunning amazement. What did you ask?
The question was…….
What is the one thing you would do with your life if you could see that you absolutely would NOT fail…?
What was the answer?
Jim Carrey tells the story of how his father was big into comedy and actually wanted to become a comedian himself, but he chose a safe route (thinking he was protecting his family) and became an accountant.
When Jim was 12 years old, his father lost his job. The family had to do everything they could to survive.
Jim said he learned that you can fail at a job that you don’t want to do. So you might as well take a chance on doing something you love.
What did you see in the crystal ball?
“How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide? The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is” – Jim Carrey
Forge Meaning, Build Identity, Forge Meaning….and then invite the world to share your joy
– Dr. Andrew Solomon.
Rule #8
Rule #8: Build your new Relationship List. Your Top 10.
While you’re going through this experience, be productive and use this pain to your advantage. Be patient with me and listen close. First, I am not talking about going out and dating right now. It would be damn near catastrophic at this point. The laws of attraction are scary real. If you are sad, then that is the signal you are sending out into the universe. If your life is Chaos, it can only be answered by Chaos disguised as Prince Charming or Cinderella
I will elaborate in depth later.
While you are remembering how poorly you were treated, let’s use THAT to build our list of the Top 10 qualities we want in our next partner. For the purposes of this exercise, we are also going to pretend that 7 of our Top 10 disappear in the next relationship forever. Keep in mind we're only pretending :) so I want bullet points next to the Top three that you gotta have no matter what! These are the top 3 things that--if these 3 went away--you would tell me, "Shannon I'm out!" These essential top 3 qualities are "deal breaker" assets. You would end the relationship in their absence.
For example - if there was a lack of intimacy, "affection" would be not only on your list but probably one of your bullet points. I remember someone in Group once said, "This is really hard to do!" and then with the very next breath he said that "infidelity" ended his relationship. In this case, I would put the word “integrity” on my list.
At first, I would put down as many qualities as you can think of. Its easy. These are qualities are the opposite of the hurtful things that ended your relationship. I have one very helpful hint. If you think to yourself, “I don’t want someone that lies or cheats" then "integrity" probably covers it. As matter of fact, I find that “Integrity” wipes out at least 75% of a long list every time.
Word of warning, though: I didn't used to mandate what people put on their list until I experienced firsthand what a lack of communication does to a relationship. Heed my words: it doesn't matter what's on your list if communication isn't there. If communication isn't there, the whole thing will collapse. It must be a bullet point.
Hold on to this list. Refine it and I will teach you eventually how to use your list in the future when you’re dating.
Rule #9
Rule #9: The Exhaustive List
This powerful exercise is covered under the tab “Get Support” here on this website. Read the section there, “ Support for the Genuinely Brokenhearted”. It is right out of the book,
“How to fix a broken heart” by Dr. Guy Winch.
Make an Exhaustive List of reasons why you should not be with the person that broke your heart. I call this exercise, “Telling on yourself” because these are the incidents you didn’t tell your friends or family members about because you knew what they would say.
One member told me in all the years that he was married, that he was not once invited with his wife or his children to his in-laws for Thanksgiving or Christmas because he was of another race different from his wife and her family. He was ashamed of this and never shared it with anyone.—THAT goes on the List.
Try for 50. Put that List on the Notepad on your phone. And if you catch yourself with tears in your eyes, open it up and read it.
Rule #10
Rule #10: If you're going through Hell...keep going!
Hell is a property, meaning it has acreage to it. There is a fence line somewhere. If you believe there’s a Heaven and a Hell—well they don’t occupy the same space is my point. If you’re in Hell, KEEP MOVING. Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through Hell, Keep Going!”
You wouldn’t plop down and sit on the floor if your house was burning down. Get up because no one is coming for you. I always tell people choose “rebirth” over a descent into Hell. Rebirth hurts too though. What you’re going through is very comparable to how a tree sheds its bark. Google it.
Rule #11
Rule #11: Get a damn lawyer
You want to get really really unhappy? Then just assume you know the law based on simple internet research. And yes, I'm speaking to everybody. Even those of you who are going through an amicable divorce.
Please understand I'm not saying go to war. But please - if you're going to try and do this without an attorney, get a game plan together and go see one. Just pay for that one hour consult and ask him how he would do it differently...? Or is there anything else I missed?
You don't know how many people have come into my divorce support group and told me what they thought the law was.....and it could not be more wrong as if their ass was screwed on backwards. I remember one time this guy was sharing with us how he was going to win custody of his children and, in the same sentence, had disclosed that he had already moved out of the house and left his wife and children before the temporary orders hearing. I think I remember my attorney warning me against this because it's considered abandonment and you automatically lose custody.
Don't outsmart yourself. Get a damn attorney. At least run your ideas by him/her.
Rule #12
Rule #12: You Live a Life, you don’t Live a Relationship
When we talked earlier about Life Purposes, you were not sent down here to this Earth to have this relationship that now may be ending. It was an entirely different reason. You’re like a computer that caught a virus. We don’t throw the computer out. We scrub it down with a virus killing software and then what? Reboot. You’re rebooting right now.
My promise to you, is that the Best Years of your Life are still yet to come but for right now practice staying in the moment.
Take care of the minutes in front of you and the years will take care of themselves. -Philip Dormer Stanhope 1174
Rule #13
Rule #13: The Happy List
You need to stay busy and creative against your pain.I found my healing through helping others. Back before I started a support group when I caught myself with tears in my eyes during the divorce war, I would go to the website where the support group was hosted and scan for new members. I would write them and say, “Hey if you need to talk, I am here for you.” We would chat by phone. Hours would go by. It made things easier.
The tears will come. Often. So be prepared. Keep your game plan against tears on your phone.
Note - it can be anything that makes you happy. Comic strips, adult coloring books, gardening, talking to your family, working out, etc.
You can also go to www.meetup which is also where I found the first divorce support group that I have joined. You can find amazing meetup groups here. Traveling groups where you can make friends,biking groups,ballroom dancing, ect. One of my members actually went to a meet up on how to build a ukulele. Now in these groups people will post times like "we're getting together next Tuesday night on November 11 at 7 PM to go to dinner at this restaurant." You can fill the silence. Do it now.
Be creative too. I remember my house used to be filled with noise from TVs, music, kid-related noise, everything including "Daddy, I need this or that." When the kids were away at their mom’s, I missed them terribly and found the sound of silence in my house deafening.
So I turned on the TVs upstairs and downstairs. I remember coming home once from going out with friends one night to the quiet and the darkness. The happiness from that night and laughter with friends vanished instantly. I just sat there in the dark alone.
I never left the house again without leaving the TV on. Sound helped me. I created game plans for everything I was facing during that tough time. Create yours today.
Rule #14
Rule #14: Remember Always, you shouldn't have to work so hard to be Loved
Eventually as time goes by, you will consider moving on and possibly attempting
a new relationship. When that day comes, don't make it any harder than it has to
be. This rule came about because of certain type posts that I used to see on the
divorce support social media forums that looked like this…..
Hey guys I was wondering if I could get your opinion on this matter? I have had
a new boyfriend for the last four years who uses Facebook but has not put up any
pictures of us nor has he changed his relationship status. (meaning it still says
single) He says he doesn't work Facebook but I noticed that he's constantly
putting up pictures of him and his kids. this is really bothering me. What do you
think I should do?
I want you to read that again. You notice the underline at the top of the paragraph
and where it ends at “new boyfriend”…..? that's where I stopped reading.
because my answer is the same every time:
Really??? If you have to post in a divorce support group forum of all places about
problems with your new relationship then my answer is the same every single
time.
RUN!!!! I guess if you're young and in your 20s you still have a few more lessons
to learn but if you're in your mid 40s and beyond... I don't know about you but
I'm kind of tired of the relationship lessons at this point :)
You are Enough and relationships should be easy especially in the beginning at
the honeymoon phase. If you're not getting the amount of reciprocal texts or
phone calls after you first meet a brand new person or maybe you're getting too
much contact? Number one, you need to talk to your new person about this
because if you don't, now we're back to a communication problem which is the
cornerstone of all relationships. Talk!
You choose what you deserve.
“We are all where we are today because it is truly where we want to be.”
--Shannon Goertz
Rule #15
Rule #15 : Watch Your Addictions
Rule #16
Rule #16: Do not impugn an entire gender
Rule #17
Rule #17: Suicide Text HOME to 741741
Rule #18
Rule #18: If you’re trauma bonded, you needed to know yesterday
Rule #19
Rule #19: Acupuncture, Meditation & Restorative Yoga
Rule #20
Rule #20: Medication
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