For The Genuinely Broken Hearted
I think the recipe for surviving the end of an abusive relationship is quite simple and I mean
quite simple for me---it's the same recovery game plan every single time. What helps with
“abusive broken heart recovery” that must be mentioned is that there is always a part within
the victim that has ALWAYS known throughout the years, that they deserved to be treated
better. (Not the case with the trauma bonded victim)
But what if you were not abused?
What if you were in a loving relationship?
What if the person leaving you was truly your best friend and always had your back? What if
while you were with this person, it was the safest you ever felt, the most loved you ever felt
and the most vulnerable you have ever been with another human being in your entire life?
What if for the first time you felt loved unconditionally?
Have you ever woke up from sleeping in the middle of the night with a love song playing so
loudly in your head and it even continued for a little bit as you opened your eyes because
you were so happy?
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is
finally better than your dreams.”— Dr. Seuss
What if every cell in your body felt the vibration from this Dr. Suess quote?
Now what if THAT person who you share that bond with, leaves you……………..?
The Original Good Graces Box
I remember the first time that someone came to me with a true genuine broken heart. Every
time we approached an exercise intended to help alleviate the pain, I quickly realized that
the formula to the exercise included some aspect of an abusive relationship to the equation.
(example: Dr. Guy Winch’s exercise: the Exhaustive List)
This person I was helping had not abused though. I've seen pictures of them. I've seen
video. It was a truly loving relationship that moves me even now as I write these words.
Now….. what do you do if THAT person leaves you………..?
This person shared with me that the difference in the level of pain between coming out of an
abusive relationship as opposed to a loving relationship--is just indescribable. Losing the
loving partner is far worse on the heart.
There is no comparison.
(subplot: I started studying “grace” for what reason I do not remember during this time and
this person who is sharing their heartbreak with me does not know)
I had no answers to help this person for a while but as luck would have it, I was reading an
article online one day about the lost art of the “thank you” letter. The gentleman who penned
the article said that when he was very young, his grandpa gave him a silver dollar and told
him that if you write me a thank you letter, I will send you another silver dollar. His grandpa
sent a second one and then told him that if he wrote him another thank you letter after that,
he would send another silver dollar and so on and so on.
(Keep in mind as you are reading what is coming next, that I am not someone that believes
in accidents. Hinting at something he’ll mention next in that same article)
Remember……There are no accidents.
I don't know why but as the rest of the article went on, all of a sudden, the gentleman who
authored it started relating that at some point in his life something horrible happened to him.
I don't know why he changed directions in the story and he never elaborated what had
happened, but he said he went through a period of deep depression until one day he heard
a voice that said,
“You will not be given your hearts deepest desire until you learn to appreciate the good
GRACES you have already been given.”
As I read those words, I had a Thunderbolt moment. I thought to myself silently, “Could it be
that easy? Could you obtain everything in life that you ever dreamed of and especially your
heart's deepest desire IF you truly deep-in-the-soul, appreciated ALL that you already have?
I decided that it didn't matter whether or not, I could even obtain my heart's deepest desire. I
personally knew after reading that article that I wanted to be THAT type of person period. I
would never say I take things for granted but do I appreciate my good graces to the
magnitude that I should? No.
So I created what I call the good graces box.
The way you do this is that you need to get a box and you need to tear up several thin strips
of paper in equal length.
You need to write on each strip a good grace that you have been
given since birth.
I will use myself for example.
for the pure fact that I was born a Caucasian male, I've already won the lottery.
I have two legs.
I can walk and I am not in a wheelchair.
I have 10 fingers and 10 toes.
I have the ability to drive.
I have full cognitive faculties.
I am in a house right now with a roof.
I have brothers and sisters.
I come from a “whole” family.
I was blessed to have children of both genders.
My children are healthy.
I have food. Not starving.
I own my own car.
I have two ears. And I can hear. I am not deaf.
I have two eyes. I can see.
I can see……… in color.
I woke up breathing this morning.
Now you are to write your good graces down on those thin strips like the list I have above
here. Then ball them up into a bunch of tiny little balls and drop them in the box.
Every morning when you wake up, you should draw two of them out-of-the-box and ask
yourself what would it be like If you were not given those good graces or if you lost them
today?
And in this case for the purposes of why you clicked on this article?
If YOU are the one who is going through a genuine broken heart right this second, then
YOU create your good graces box and every morning pretend that if there was a magic
wand that you could wave over your situation that would magically bring your true love back
to you forever…….would you waive it—IF you had to take 2 good graces FOREVER out of
your box?
I actually did this exercise with someone that was trying to survive they're brokenness and
the first thing that she drew out-of-the-box was:
#1 you have been given two legs---I said to her, “you’re in a wheelchair now.”
#2 you have been given two arms. (!!!!!) “you just lost both your arms.”
basically, she had to pretend that if she had things her way and could get what she lost
back, she would have to give up her arms and her legs.
Another thing I have for you is that you should create a list of things that improved in your
life since this relationship ended.
There are always positives. It doesn't mean that you don't love this person to create this list
and you can deny it all you want but there are always positives at the end of every beautiful
relationship.
Example: you were in a loving relationship, but your true love was vegetarian and you love
meat. You tried it with them and now they are gone. Well guess what? You get to eat meat
again lol.
What if you wanted to stop drinking alcohol and they drank every day making it impossible
for you to stop. Now you can or you won’t drink as much.
What if you loved sunlight and bright colors but your ex-partner loved to keep things dark
like something as simple as the windows closed and the shades drawn all the time.
Now you can be who you truly are and let your personality shine! You have all the shades
up every day and beautiful sunlight beaming in every day now!!
It doesn't mean when you create this list that you don't love them or you don't want them
back.
Does Time heal all wounds? Yes. There is still a scar there but it is better than a GAPING
wound.
Last thing, I do believe in “meant to be’s”.
I assure you that deep in my heart, I believe that you can make peace with losing this
relationship or getting divorced. If this person you are losing is your “meant to be”, there is
NOTHING that is going to stop you two from getting back together.
But when?
What if its 7 years from now?
Are you really determined to spend the next 7 years broken?
Don’t miss the beauty in Today. Today is the only SURE thing you have.
Thank you for reading.
